Dear Ms. Bad Advice,
I recently had the misfortune of confirming the suspicion that my new step-son has been stealing money from my wallet. I put a small red dot in the corner of a twenty before tossing my wallet on the night stand one night before turning in with the missus. Come morning, while I was in the shower, junior left for school. Needless to say, I checked my wallet while drying off and found the bill gone … along with a few unmarked others.
The kid’s just into his teens and maybe up to some run-of-the-mill bad-boy stuff or just plain ‘acting out’ as they say on those television shows. My new wife and I have only been married six months and we couldn’t be happier. So far, I’ve kept her in the dark about this.
I think it’s important for me to put a stop to this behavior. But I don’t want to torpedo my already shaky relationship with the kid and I don’t want my wife feeling uneasy or hurt.
How do you suggest I handle this?
Sensitive In Seattle,
Mel Tegman
Alan Alda, eat your misogynistic heart out.
Dear Sensitive,
Well, aren’t you just a darling? A little too fey for Ms. Bad Advice’s lascivious taste-buds, but a genuine sweetheart nevertheless.
If you’ll pardon moi’s frankness, Sensitive, you may be in need of re-awakening your inner Islamo-Fascist … or Old Testament literalist. (‘Tow-May-Toe, Tah-Mah-Tah’ as the Gershwin brothers put it.) While Ms. Bad Advice’s hand is forced by the lily-livered nature of today’s politically correct climate (not to mention state and federal laws against child abuse, torture, and assault) to not actually advise you to heed the letter of the Q’uran (“As to the thief, Male or female, cut off his or her hands: a punishment by way of example, from Allah, for their crime: and Allah is Exalted in power.”) or the Old Testament (“If anyone curses his father or mother, he must be put to death. He has cursed his father or his mother, and his blood will be on his own head.”) in this matter, neither can she prevent you from looking to those sources for … suggestions.
While Ms. Bad Advice knows that those texts are largely full of poppycock, they are remarkable shorthand for getting one’s ‘devoutness’ to the Law of God across to those unruly, undisciplined kids of today (and ‘Pro-Choice’ types). Leaving your wallet overnight resting on a Bible opened to the passage quoted above (the wonderfully light-hearted book of Leviticus, 20:9 … in case you were a little rusty) underlined in red ink or highlighted in neon yellow may get the young man to think twice about tempting step-dad’s ire. Slaughtering and offering up a lamb or two in sacrifice in junior’s presence will certainly convince him of the firmness of your belief. Just be sure to leave the choicest cuts for the family dinner and the wife may even look the other way when it comes to reconciling your newfound ‘faith’.
But if you insist on indulging your inner girly-man, then Ms. Bad Advice offers up the following: Take the cash out of your wallet before retiring each evening, stash it away someplace safe (e.g., taped into a plastic baggie and submerged in the toilet reservoir), and then re-fill your wallet with counterfeit bills. Underworld types among local Asian communities are excellent places to find purveyors of funny money in exchange for virtually pennies on the dollar — depending on how big an investment you’re willing to make. (As to how Ms. Bad Advice has gotten this information, she respectfully pleads the fifth.)
Junior’s probably too set in his delinquent ways to stop now and almost certainly too unrefined to notice the difference between real and counterfeit bills. (The Chinese are such natural artisans … and sticklers for detail!) It won’t be long before he’s passing those bills off in a very conspicuous way and drawing the attentions of federal authorities. Fingering you as the source for the counterfeit bills won’t make all that convincing a defense in family court.
It’s a win-win for all parties concerned! You and the new missus get at least six months of ‘alone time’ — rekindling the spark that brought the two of you together in the first place; Junior gets to learn his lesson the hard way (or learns how to be a more discerning criminal) in some juvenile detention boot camp; and you’ve got that extra spending money for the weekend.
Enjoy the savings!
Ms. Bad Advice
Ms. Bad Advice
vietnambob
ohdeedeebee
